Life Balance – The Beliefs That Defeat Us

It is often said that people today are lacking in ‘work-life balance’ because they are overwhelmed by the many competing demands on their time. In the course of delivering many LifeBalance workshops, I have observed that most participants can readily identify numerous ‘hats’ they wear on a daily basis: mother, husband, employee, gardener, chauffeur, coach, social manager, banker, cook, counsellor…. Many report that on an average day, they perform at least five, seven, often ten of these roles.

In actual fact, a major obstacle to creating balance in our lives has more to do with certain self-sabotaging beliefs we hold about these roles than with the number of roles we fulfill. These beliefs create a vicious cycle that interferes with our ability to create balance in our lives.
The three most problematic beliefs revolve around needing to do things perfectly, ourselves, and immediately.

I have to do it … perfectly. Many idioms and phrases give rise to this belief and serve to perpetuate it. For example,  ‘a job is not worth doing unless you do it well’, ‘if you’re going to do something, better do it well’. The perfection expectation is unrealistic and damaging. It sets people us for failure and self-blame. 

I have to do it … now. This belief reflects a compulsion to do things immediately, as if something of importance would be lost if we did not do so. Usually, of course, there is no urgency at all.
I have to do it … myself. This belief tells us that no one can do a job as well as we can. Rather than delegating or negotiating, we feel compelled to do it ourselves. And yet, as the saying goes, “the cemeteries are filled with graves of people who were thought to have had no replacement!”.
Some thoughts about solutions
Dealing with deep-seated beliefs is not always simple. Dealing with the habitual behaviours that stem from those beliefs can be just as difficult.

Still, one has to start somewhere! Here are some simple and do-able first steps:

Diagnose it. When you experience that sense of ‘urgency’ or find yourself feeling resentful that you are doing more than your fair share, ask yourself: which problematic belief is at play for me right now? 

Challenge the belief.  Ask yourself if this belief makes sense. Ask yourself if this belief is serving you at this particular juncture. If not, is it getting in your way of engaging in more important endeavours? Does it lead you to feel bad about yourself? Is it realistic?

Build tolerance for your own imperfection. In fact, actively create opportunities for imperfection in your life. Leave the house purposely wearing socks of two different colours. Leave the dishes stacked up for a period of 24 hours. Try it on for size and build ‘imperfection resiliency’.
Learn to delegate. Give up the false notion that ‘it’s easier to do it myself than to delegate’. Teach yourself to delegate properly – it’s an art that involves some investment in properly training the other person and letting them make their own mistakes. Or consider paying someone to do some of the things that you are currently doing yourself. The relief you will feel is likely worth every penny.

Ask for help. Being an overwhelmed perfectionist can be stressful and lonely. Asking for help from those in your personal life who care about you, or from those at work whose job it is to work with you might seem difficult, but consider the price you are paying by not doing so. It’s your choice

By Sharon Bar-David, LLB MSW